Fragile Flowers

I wasn’t exactly nice to my husband this morning as I sat in our driveway leaving for work. I was irritated that my window was covered in frost and I was running late and I hate mornings and I hadn’t had coffee and I am the devil in the morning and he had the nerve to come outside and rub his hand over the windshield, trying to help, but all I could think was how smudgy that would make it and I yelled at him. Did I mention I am the devil in the morning?

I immediately felt horrible and anxious and panicky, as I normally do after I’m a big jerk. I called and cried and apologized profusely and sent another sorry via text as I arrived to work. It was then that he posed a question that really got me thinking.

“You think my devotion to you is a pretty fragile flower, don’t you?”

That simple question has caused all sorts of thinking today. That simple question prompted me to write.

See, what some of you may not know about me, is that I suffer from severe abandonment issues. I think that fear of being abandoned started at a very young age and progressed from there. I am an adopted child, which by the way is a huge blessing. I love adoption and what it does for children who need a home. That being said, it personally affected me in some negative ways as well. Something about the knowledge of being given up for adoption, causes you to have this fear of abandonment as part of your makeup. 

**Please note that I am aware that not all adopted children experience this.

That fear at such a young age, caused me to poison a lot of relationships. I always just assumed that people left. Everyone leaves, no one stays. But after my husband presented that question this morning it got me thinking.

Did everyone leave, or did I push everyone away by always being paranoid that they would leave?

Thank goodness I’ve been blessed with a husband who wouldn’t ever leave over some silly mean morning in the driveway, but honestly it really got me thinking about the past. How many times did I ruin a good thing or bruise a friendship by holding on too tightly? 

How does one wake up after years of believing she’s not worthy of healthy, unconditional love, and magically realize that she deserves it as much as the next person? How does a girl who has been hurt and left behind so many times, grow to understand that real love is forever and contains no fine print. 

One of my favorite quotes is

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” – Stephen Chbosky

I love this quote, and yet I don’t seem to take it to heart. My whole life, not only have I been afraid of losing people, but a lot of the people I was afraid of losing were toxic people. Year after year, boyfriend after boyfriend and friend after friend. I accepted harmful and conditional love from people simply because I didn’t want to be abandoned and I didn’t think I deserved any better.

So this is the point in my blog post where I say something deep and inspirational about how I figured it all out. The thing is, I haven’t. I still cling to my husband for dear life. I still sometimes cling to friends and family for dear life. I still, sometimes, am not completely aware of what I deserve. The point is, I’m growing and I have been lucky enough to at least realize what is healthy and what is toxic.

My husband, he is good and healthy. But do I deserve him? For now… I’ll go with “some days”. It’s a start. I am daily working on treating myself better and realizing my potential and growing into my body that I’m learning to love. It’s a daily struggle, but I’m a step closer every morning. Even when it’s a devil morning and I haven’t had my coffee.

 Bird

Hello Beautiful World!

Webster’s Dictionary defines beauty as the quality of being physically attractive or the qualities in a person or a thing that give pleasure to the senses or the mind.

When I read this I had this strange sensation. I imagined some guy writing the definition as “The quality of being physically attractive” and some rando HR person in the office placing a hand to his lips and whispering,

“Better put something about the mind in there so we don’t upset the millennials.”

 

I decided I would be better off asking women in my circle. Women I trust and respect. Women I find incredibly beautiful by my own definition.

 

Dawne: “Someone’s soul.   Their aura.   Energy.   That is what it is for me. I see & feel that in others.  The way they help someone in need.  The small gestures they do when no one is paying attention.  The way someone is around children, animals, & the elderly or handicapped.  The innocents. Those are the things I see when looking at the world.   Just cause someone has “good genes” Doesn’t make a good heart…. What are they doing when no one is paying attention?  That’s what I see…”

Katie: Kindness, empathy, eye contact, vast god made/man untouched land stretched for miles, and only the wind and the water are the sounds it makes

 

So by now I’m sure you’re wondering what the purpose of this blog is.

“Is she going to teach me ‘Cool Chicks with Tattoos Recipes’ or something?”

PSA: I’m a subpar cook so this is probably not a great idea, however I’m always down for a great recipe share! Hit me up!

 

The reason behind wanting to start a blog is sprinkled with many different things. Sort of a blog cupcake if you will. The main reason is for me. A place to hold my thoughts and hopes and dreams. A place where I can look back and say, “Yes, that’s where I’ve come from”.

The second reason is you. The girl or guy who doesn’t ever really feel quite right in their skin. The you that feels they aren’t good enough. The you that feels like your past defines you and that the scars you wear are meant for hiding. 

Listen, I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have a clue what I am doing half the time and I still have a lot of broken pieces floating around inside that poke and prod me daily. What I do know is that knowing you aren’t alone in something is EVERYTHING.

I am a heavily tattooed chick with a bald head and a spunky attitude. Tattoos are my way of choosing my own skin and wrapping myself in reminders of the life I’ve lived and where I hope the future might lead me. They are the best way I know to wear my heart on my sleeve and I have a feeling some of the things I say or choose to do will not mesh with you.

PSA: While I am an advocate for doing what you need to do to love yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin, I do not necessarily suggest you go out and get a face tattoo and shave your head. (Although I do think it would be pretty bad ass of you).

That being said, I have a feeling a lot of what I say will ring true with you. All of us have been broken and all of us, no matter how our outsides look, know what it’s like to feel like an alien in our skin. We all have history and we all have baggage and we all are searching for ways to heal from it. Maybe something I say will help you. Maybe you are just curious about my journey and what on earth your old pal Claire has done and who is Bird anyway? 

No matter your reason for reading. No matter your journey or your background. Maybe we are friends, or once were friends, or have yet to be friends (I love people so please, don’t be shy! Be my friend!). Whatever the reason, I’m glad you’re here and I’m excited to share my story with you.

Bird

 

**Please know that if you decide to follow my blog, I do not currently have any type of time line for posting. This may change in the future!